Friday, July 5, 2019

My Big Sis

Wow so its been awhile. I was thinking about what I could write about today. I've been through so much these last few years I don't know how I'm still smiling. But that's the purpose of my blog right?  of life? Staying positive through it all. I'm trying. I'm sad but happy, disappointed but proud. But today I want to talk about by beautiful sister who I miss with all my heart.

My sister died January 2, 2019. I still cant believe it. She was beautiful, strong, inspiring, a great loving mom and titi, fun, funny, witty and my sister. Growing up we didn't live together. We have the same father but different mothers. That would make us half sister's. But we have never referred to each other as half sisters. She was my sister. As kids my dad would have us together for the weekends and we would hang out and go on family outings together. I always looked up to her. I remember as a kid she was so outgoing had tons of friends and was so beautiful. I wanted to be just like her. She would tease me alot like sisters do but was always honest and always said this is my little sister watch out for her. As we became adults we developed our own friendship and became more than sisters. We talked about everything, hung out, even with each others groups of friends. We spent alot of time together so much so we even became roommates for a short time. She was so much fun, we laughed so much together. I mean our relationship wasn't perfect we were still sisters and very different people. We did have our disagreements but we never went too long being mad at each other. We loved each other. When she became a mom I was in awe of how she handled everything. My nephew was her everything. She was a single mom and busted her butt working to provide for him. And she did an amazing job. I was so proud of her. I watched her excel at work, she worked her way up to manager and was a true boss.

Then came my pregnancy, she was there through it all supportive and understanding. A few months into my pregnancy she announced she was pregnant. I can't even express the excitement we had. We talked about how awesome it would be having kids the same age and how close they would be. when the kids were born we loved doing things together, pushing our strollers and with my adorable older nephew walking beside us. Going to the park, just hanging out, I really have some awesome memories and it was exactly what we had talked about and planned.

As years went by we remained close and shared all the ups and downs life brings. We didn't get to see each other as much as we liked just because of how life works but we talked all the time. We shared family secrets and gossip. Things you only share with your sister because your sister is the only one who gets it and always has your back. I asked her to be my sons his godmother, she was already an awesome titi but took the godmother role very seriously. Her and my son became so very close. Even through his teenage years she would pick him up to make sure she spent quality time with him, sometimes even just the two of them would go and hang out. Their relationship was just amazing.

Every birthday we would call each other and plan what we would do for each others birthday. Every year would be different depending on how we felt. Sometimes we would party it up in a club sometimes we would go out dinner and sometimes we would just chill. My sisters birthday is April 29, so in April of 2014 she said she wanted to go out to dinner so thats what we did. That day while we were having drinks and catching up she tells me she found a lump and had a biopsy done. She told me she was waiting on the results to find out if she had cancer. I remember telling her, you don't have cancer, people have lumps all the time and most of the time its benign. I could tell she was worried and we talked about it and continued to have an amazing night celebrating her birthday.

Then the results came, she had breast cancer. I couldn't believe it. Other people have breast cancer not my family. How could this be happening? But it did. I told her we would beat this. I happen to have been laid off from work shortly after so I spend most of my time at the hospital with her keeping her company through her treatments. She was so strong and positive. We talked and laughed. Some of the medicine would make her sleepy at times and we would crack up because she would start feeling high and crack jokes then she would pass out asleep. She even made treatments fun! After months of chemotherapy and a mastectomy, just like I said she would, she beat cancer. She was a true warrior. With the support of her family and her 3 amazingly strong children she did it and started her post cancer life with a whole new outlook.

A year and a half later I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I got to experience first hand all that she had went through. It was a big blow to my family, I've always been very healthy, never in the hospital and now my fathers second daughter with breast cancer. Because of my big sister I had hope. Just like she beat it I was gonna beat it. I was way more stubborn then her though when it came to accepting help. She was there for me but I was so use to doing things on my own and being the one who supports everyone else that I just wanted to handle it myself. She even yelled at me told me I need to learn to accept help from others. She was right. I was stubborn. Ha! But in the end she was there for me like the big sister she was and after chemotherapy, radiation and lumpectomy I beat cancer too! Talk about following in your big sisters footsteps!

We were proud of each other. We were both survivors. We had very similar experiences and we got through it. It changed both of us. We were already strong women but we became even stronger. We thought this was it and we would now live a long happy life. We talked about our plans for the future and all we hoped to accomplish. Oh my goodness she had so many ideas on business and what she wanted to do. Sometimes I would say girl you have ANOTHER business idea and we would crack up laughing. We realized what life was really about. We can share our new outlook on life with anyone in the world but unless you have actually faced the possibility of death you would never truly understand. That's what we had most in common, we learned what was really important in this life and learned that what we thought was important actually wasn't. What I wanted most for my sister was for her to find love.  She had been in love before but I wanted her to find that true unconditional love. The one that knocks you off your feet and you know this is your true soulmate. I have that with my husband I wanted her to experience the same love. That was my wish for her.

Sometime around September 2018 my sister calls me and tells me she was admitted into the hospital because she wasn't feeling well and her blood count was low. She had been experiencing bruising all over her body and they were running tests. After countless tests they were able to find out she had leukemia. One of the side effects of chemotherapy is unfortunately leukemia, however its not extremely common. So we talked about it and I told her you will beat this just like you kicked breast cancers ass. Doctors told her she would have to start chemotherapy again. I remember she was stressed about losing her hair again and I told her, at least we already know you look hott with a baldy and we busted out into laughter. Doctors then said she needed to have an umbilical cord blood transplant and they would begin the search for the donor. She called me so happy the day she found out they found a match. I was so happy. Finally we can get past this and my sister can get back to her normal life.

Unfortunately my big sister never made it to have the transplant. She passed away January 2, 2019. I was at work that day when my father called me with the news. I couldn't breath, I couldn't think, I just collapsed at my desk and cried like I had never ever cried before in my life. I was heartbroken, I'm still heartbroken. All I wanted was to wake up from this nightmare. She is my big sister, we had plans, she just texted me last night Happy New Year and sent me a pic of her happy and all dressed up ready to party. She found love and was planning a future. She has a son in college, a son graduating high school and a little girl that all need her. It's all so unfair.

I miss my sister more than anything I've ever missed in my life. The idea that I can't send her my daily text, or call her on my lunch break to chat, or plan our next celebration hurts me to my core. I never got to tell her how much I admired her and how proud I was of her. I just hope she knows she was an inspiration to her family, her friends, her children and her little sister.
I love you sis, rest in peace.